Monday, May 19, 2008

GTA4 is not a 10

So I've been playing a buttload of GTA4 and I can honestly say it's a great game but it's absolutely not a 10 like many game rating sites gave it.

So far issues that I see with the game:
  • No integration with the XBOX360. No muting or volume leveling or music off when streaming music. The game does not pause when the guide button is pressed. This is really inexcusable as the API already exists for integration into games.
  • The Radio SUCKS. Normally GTA games have great radio, but this time it's bad. The only good station is Liberty Rock Radio and the best thing (as always) are the ads and newscasts. But beyond that the other stations are horrible. The only other redeeming quality is that they have "One Vision" by Queen.
  • No checkpoints on mission. Every mission goes like this: Drive to Person X and find out why Person Y has pissed them off and needs to die. Drive at least 1 mile to find Person Y, engage Person Y and get killed. Mission restarts with an option on the cell phone only to have you start over by driving to Person X, listening to the same shit (Pro Tip: Spam the A button to skip it) and then drive miles and miles to Person Y and start the killing again. This gets really tedious - there needs to be a save point between the drive and the mission.
  • A lot of great looking buildings and storefronts that do absolutely nothing at all. Just when you thought you found an interesting place you might be able to enter you end up wasting time running into a texture.
  • GPS Voice Prompts are a neat feature, but are more buggy than useful. Some times the audio has all the turn direction the opposite way or talk way too late. The cornering "bing-bong" is nice way to change a long drive into something enjoyable than a mini-map watching excursion into traffic dodging.
  • The police are dumb. Drive past them at 100 miles an hour and bash head-on into 5 cars doing maximum vehicle carnage and they dont do anything, but bump their car a little too hard and you're going to jail mister.
  • Not enough clothing options. Some missions require you to wear a suit and tie (but there's no way to really know till you drive all the way there only to see the prompt telling you that you need a suit). So once you get enough money, buy a suit and tie and you end up leaving it on the whole time just to be on the safe side. Makes Nico a little unbelievable as a living person. Oh well.
  • Boats. WTF? Why bother? Drive one, do one jump and that's the extent of the enjoyment to be had there. Whoopie.
  • This CITY IS ALIVE!!! Oh wait, no it's not. Rockstar did a great job making most parts of the game seem "alive", but some obvious things were missed and something's never move or change. While they are few and far between they are glaring stand-outs against the dynamic nature of everything else.
  • Ricky Gervais? Really? That's who you got? Really? I mean I LOVE Ricky. He's very very funny (Extras was an awesome show), but his stand-up isnt the greatest. Kat Williams on the other hand was the perfect pick and I find myself actually laughing during his routines at the comedy club. I really hope they have some Downloadable Content (DLC) to add more comedians and performers at the other clubs to keep it fresh. I highly doubt they'll do this, but I can hope.
  • The television is totally awesome (I spent about 20 minutes one night watching The History of Liberty City which is fucking hilarious) but most of the channels and shows suck balls and it's simply a neat aside to the game play. Would have been nice to combine this with dating (invite the girl over and chill watching TV).
  • The Cell Phone interface is very nice most times. It's a great way of having an interface without pulling you out of the "in-game" feel ... BUT ... when you just get done killing 38 people in the middle of a busy intersection as part of a mission with cops all around, the mission completes and some of them you will call your contact to tell them that Dildo McFleabag is dead while the action is still concluding. So as the cops are piling on you and bullets are still whizzing by you are casually walking and talking on your phone and most times you die before you even finish the call (I hope I dont get charged airtime for that).
  • You cant get a job cutting down giant trees ... oh wait, I guess I can forgive this part (I've been watching too much Ax Men).
  • "Excuse me Miss, but this coffee is cold." You can go on a date and get with a chick after, but the "sex" is done by showing the outside of the building with the date saying something like "Oh that's great. Nico Bellic you are the man." like she's cheering you on about the great job you are doing cleaning out the fish bowel gravel with your jock strap (that simile is for all of you that are still reading - enjoy). This is just plain dumb and a insulting and irritating way to handle this part of the situation. ESPECIALLY considering when you pick up a hooker you can see an animation for a hand-job, blow-job and the girl grinding the crap out of your invisible wang. So on one end (where there might actually be love involved for the other person) you get a sex scene fit for Sesame Street and when you pay a hooker for it to support her drug habit you get to see a semi-explicit sequence. It's a MATURE game already, stop pulling the wrong damn punches. I'm not talking about making a fuck-me, suck-me game but treat an adult interaction like what it is.
  • Subtitles ... wow. When you deal with Little John & Badman (two rasta-men) you have to have them turned on or you will have NO CLUE what they are saying and sometimes characters slip into non-english languages that you would have no idea what they are saying without the subtitles. How about some smart subtitles that come on automatically when the person is speaking another language (including rasta ... wow) and off the rest of the time?
  • Melee ... I've seen better melee in Wii Bowling. A is block, Y is one type of hit and so is X, but only when X isnt jump which is when you're holding a melee weapon or the third Thursday of any month ending in "r". WTF? Go steal a helicopter and if one of the air crew get ahold of you they will get about 27 punches in before you can throw a punch or the interface catches up to where you can actually draw a weapon. It's utterly worthless, the worst part is waiting on the animation to cycle after you press the button.
  • Nico was a soldier and fought in the war and did some heavy dirty stuff and it must have been hard on his knees since he can neither run or sprint up or down stairs. So take off running super fast on a foot chase, hit stairs and navigate them like a one-legged 90 year old woman with a broken heel and no quadraceps.
  • Watch out for that door. I tell you that door in that strip club really should have had a sign on it "Danger may kill the person who came with you to see tits if it hits him the wrong way as he's trying to follow you around". Or at least one of those little stick figure guys re-enacting that warning.
  • I'm not quite dead! No wait, that door wasnt as lethal as first thought, you're friend got taken to the hospital and will call you for a ride back to his house to salvage some of the good friend's vibe bonus you would have gotten from watching barely covered titties with him if it hadnt been for that aforementioned homicidal door. Does NO ONE else in this game own a car? Maybe it's called Grand Theft Auto because none of the people in the game own them and they are all stolen vehicles and he's too lazy and bruised up by the door-of-death to be bothered with jacking his own ride so he bothers you.
  • Barely covered tits. Uncover the goddamn tits already. Hell make a version with the extra adult shit that you can ONLY buy online for me to get to make sure no little kids accidentally get it from a mis-stocked store shelf. Conan, Conan had bare tits. Not that I'm all that big into tits, but I'm sure Nico is and I'm certainly into a full expression of a gritty adult life without glaring PG-13 rated pauses.
Okay I think that's enough griping for now. I'm going to watch a bit of TV and then head to bed. Did you play GTA4? Got anymore opinions that I missed, well then get off your ass (wait that saying doesnt apply to internet users) ... STAY ON YOUR ASS and post a comment!

2 comments:

  1. FINALLY!!! RANTS ARE BACK!!! :)

    And boy, was that a doosey?

    The more I read, the more it sounded like you going off on any of the last , er... all of the MMO's you have ever played.

    Some day you will find that "Perfect" game that you've been looking for for so many years.

    ReplyDelete