Well the final auditions have come and gone. And I was offered the part of Hamlet.
That was so great to even be thought of as a possibility to play that part and then to actually be chosen was amazing and a very difficult thing. I should have been totally excited, but I didnt want it for various reasons.
Hamlet is on a slow descent into madness, he's depressed and fights within himself. He has fits of rage and moments of such deep considerations of life and his own death that almost incapacitate him. I think the only reason I was able to do well at the part during auditions was that I have been thru the same stuff and just tapped into that and brought it out. Funny thing is that your brain really doesnt know that you are acting and your portrayed emotions actually start to take hold. After the previous audition (where I did the "To be" speech), I was totally emotionally wiped out.
The "To be" speech is about why people choose to live instead of kill themselves and whether or not Hamlet would be better off killing himself and when he cant bring himself to do it he concludes that he's a coward. I was able to stand in front of a room of about 20 people and pick that scab and bleed for them. I felt like such a fraud though. The words were Hamlet's but the feelings were mine and where they thought it a good "act", it was no act. It was me and all my demons coming out. Demons best left in the past and ignored. An actor didnt stand there mimicking those feelings, Cory stood there and became depressed and helpless and lost. Cory stood there and cursed his own cowardice and feebleness. Cory stood there and begged for a release from life and how sweet that would be. Cory used to feel that way, but not now and I dont want to go back to that place.
I explained all these concerns to the director and felt like I was disappointing her so much. Which I hate to disappoint and tell people "no". She lobbied hard to get me to like Hamlet and to realize I dont have to go that deep and no matter how deep I go I can come back. And good actors choose to expose and bare their soul like that to the world and mediocre or bad actors choose to either not do that or cant go there. If that's the scale, then I guess I'm just not a good actor. I guess I could see if I had been doing this for years and was quite skilled at this, but I'm not ... hell I'm just barely comfortable with being around this many people again, let alone ripping myself apart for strangers.
So this left her scrambling to figure out how the casting was going to fall. I actually couldnt be Hamlet for another reason too and that's my bad eye. I dont have much in the way of depth perception and the sword fight scenes could be very dangerous especially when we're using real 4 foot long broadswords (not edged but still could be very lethal). So that put the final nail in all of that.
With all that being said and not running away and hiding at home like I wanted to do, I stayed and stuck it out and ended up with the part of Claudius. Which is the main bad guy of the play and quiet the prick. Prick I can do. And there's no sword fights for him. He's a political and scheming and the new king and has a glorious death scene at the end. So this should prove to be very interesting. Except the person I "took" the part of Claudius from probably is a little miffed about it, but he ended up with Hamlet, so he cant complain too much. Plus it should be very interesting playing his enemy in all of this. I think we will do well for each other being opposite each other like that.
Oh and I found out we are doing 9 shows!
Friday, April 11th (Evening)
Saturday, April 12th (Evening)
Monday, April 14th (Daytime)
Tuesday, April 15th (Daytime)
Wednesday, April 16th (Daytime)
Thursday, April 17th (Daytime)
Friday, April 18th (Evening)
Saturday, April 19th (Evening)
Sunday, April 20th (Evening)
There's much work ahead ...