Thursday, March 29, 2007

An open letter to the pimple on my ass ...

Dear Ass Pimple,

I am writing you this letter to you as all other forms of contacting you have gone without response and as a way to enumerate my various issues I am experiencing as a direct result of your existence.

I am not sure where you came from or why you decided to make your home right on the epicenter of where all my seated weight rests, but I despise you.

You are a rascally one too, you are just out of reach for popping. I can touch you sure, but I am unable to contort myself into a proper pincer movement to destroy you.

Hence my letter. I am formally asking you to leave my hither-to-now unblemished ass and not return. Upon your leaving I will pay you the lump sum of 37 cents. This being an enormous amount for any zit.

Thank you for your time,



  1. I would like to formally submit my request to join with you in the adoption of a class action lawsuit. I wish to bring a charge also, against the pimple on my right shoulder-blade. I am seeking reimbursement for pain and suffering, and loss of productive bedroom time, as you have detracted from the facilitation of proper foreplay with my spouse due to the repeated distraction on her part. This has led to repeated attempts to force the contents of my entire torso through the aforementioned crevasse.

    Perhaps we can start by joining forces and submitting our cases here.

  2. To Whom it may concern

    Your baseless and slanderous "lawsuits" are of a great concern to my clients, the aforementioned "pimples". First of all, my clients ask that we straighten out the issue of nomenclature . We submit that the slang term "pimple" is a hurtful term, and request that from here on out that they are referenced as "Sebum flow impared pores resulting in swollen and infected sebacious gland" or "The pores in question" for brevities sake. Further my clients request that the terms "Black heads" or "white heads" do not enter our conversation as race is clearly not an issue here.

    Do my clients not also have a right to live out their short lives as bacterial colonies in your warm, moist pores? Spending their limited days and nights toiling away and devouring your accumulated sebum? I submit that they are doing you a favor, as it is my theory that if the bacteria was not devouring the sebum, they blocked pore would implode inwards killing you immediatly. Ask yourselves, can you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that its truly their fault that they are in the locations you mention as your "alleged" locations of grievance?

    In your second missive you speak of "Joining forces" against my clients, making it clear that his is not so much a matter of comfort on your part, but a malicious attack on my clients way of life.

    Please consider this a "Cease and Desist " notice from my clients and they ask to please no longer defame their allready tarnished name further.

  3. Nevermind. I popped mine anyway.

    I think I am going to print the original post and comments and frame them.


  4. LOL!

    I couldnt pop mine so I just sat down real hard, bare-assed on a broken bottle. :(

  5. That’s funny, but I think you should hold out for more money. 39 cents might be a bit for a pimple on a Face. However, an Ass is like the Hamptons for a pimple. That might just be the Martha Stewart of all pimples. You might want to drag its ass (no pun intended) into court and sue for vagrancy. Maybe even slander, due to everyone now knowing what's going on with your ass. I think you could get at least a dollar and Martha’s cooking show!