Saturday, February 25, 2006

You going to draw that rant or just whistle dixie?

November 28 9:20 PM

10) Gophers

I normally dont hate on random animals, but gophers have really gotten to me the more I think about it. I mean they just dig holes all day and contribute nothing to society. Sometimes I think they are plotting to take over this planet. I am going to keep my eyes peeled.

9) People who think they can argue but can not

Dont try to throw my points back in my face unless you can back that up. I love to argue, debate, discuss, whatever - but dont try to take me one-on-one, because I am the master.

8) Garbage Day

Waiting for garbage day is a pain in the ass. I either have two small things to throw out or 18 full 30 gallon bags. I wish they would open up the dump again so I could take it there myself and have that option. Stupid trash maybe I will just start renting my own dumpster.

7) Parents who dont use pacifiers

I totally understand that you read some book that said you dont want to get your kid addicted to sucking on a pacifier until he's 32 years old, but for all our sakes take one with you in public and when that kid starts to scream (which is invariably) jam that bastard in his mouth. And if he wont keep it in use staples and large amounts of duct tape and tube socks to hold it there.

6) Sticky pop bottles

Ever get a Mt. Dew from a machine and the whole thing is sticky. And you think 'Gee a bottle must have burst' - but then no other bottle in the whole machine is sticky. Your bottle is the only sticky one - how the hell does that happen? What demonic scourge is making random pop bottles sticky? I dont know if I am more mad at it being sticky or more mad that I am so perplexed as to how it actually got sticky.

5) Charging a weird amount of change over a dollar

I hate it when local gas stations and convenience stores duke it out in mini-price wars by jacking up their bottles of pop in weird amounts. Store A charges a $1.00, but for some reason Store B decides to raise it to $1.12. Well then Store A is like - 'Hey I am losing money now, but I cant be equal to or more than Store B - I know I will charge $1.11." Just make it an even amount. I might be lazy some times but I think I would be more willing to pay an even $2.00 than $1.59 for something. Damn change.

4) People who feed their families from the drive-thru

The drive-thru is a convenience not a full on option to the inside register. If you have 8 people to feed and 8 special separate orders go inside and do it there. I am going to start getting out of my car and asking these assholes for gas money while I idle behind them as they check their 13 different hamburgers for all the various pickle, ketchup, mustard combinations because, heaven-forbid, little Billy might have to eat something he doesnt like. Oh god a pickle the HORROR!

3) People who (in the absence of some medical condition) cannot understand why they are fat

You are fat because you eat TOO MUCH and move around TOO LITTLE. It's that simple. Your daily caloric intake is exponentially higher than the amount you burn off. If you think you are fat because you eat too much fat, or carbs, or because you dont eat healthy or because you sleep facing the wrong direction or the 1000's of other bogus reasons, you need to shut up. I am one of the most unhealthy eaters I know and I am only about 20 lbs overweight. Because I watch how much shit I actually eat so I dont balloon up to 100lbs over or more. If I plan on horking down a giant combo meal for dinner, I skip lunch. Or I make sure I park far enough away to get a little exercise. And even though I am hungry I suffer thru it - god lunch and dinner are only about 4 hours apart you impatient lardass. If you are fat and are fine with that that's great, I dont hate fat people. But if you are fat (and dont have some weird tropical disease that makes you weigh 100lbs more than you should) shut up about how you cant understand why you are fat the answer lies in the box of Ho-ho's you just ate.

2) Eurasia

This is the term people use when talking about the continents of Europe and Asia together. Get a better name for this or just stop referring to it. Eurasia sounds like some sort of lower intestinal disease that makes your farts smell like horseradish.

1) Any building that has an arboretum

There's a whole lot more outsides than there are insides in this world. Quit trying to build shit with the outsides inside - it's confusing and unnecessary when the inside thingie has windows and doors which gives you the choice to then be outside. Arboretums dont give you that choice. They are like 'Screw you, you are getting a little of the outside - inside!'. This is the only time this concept is used, you dont see people randomly putting bits of inside things outside. Like on a hike in a remote woods you dont randomly come along a toilet and 3 filing cabinets do you? No you dont, so knock it off.

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