Originally posted on: December 17 10:21 AM
My life right now feels like it's slowly spinning out of control. Every time the phone rings my stomach sinks because I am afraid of who it is with more bad news or some problem.
Smokers, and I am one, reach for a cigarette when they feel overwhelmed like now – I am no exception.
Lately, amongst a storm of chaotic emotions and fears in my own mind, I have been dealing with my father fighting cancer. At this point it appears the tumor spawned in his back and has spread to his lungs. Although since he doesn’t have healthcare or a job any longer (thanks Bush you fucker) his only choice for care is the Veteran’s Hospital over an hour away. And thanks to our glorious President and other assholes like him, who decided that veteran’s benefits and Veteran’s Affairs budgets should be cut, we are stuck with intolerable, infuriating sub-standard care.
However this is not a post about how fucked up our meat-puppet of a President is, so I digress. I am sure my father’s cancer and for a fact his emphysema and general overall poor health is related to his lifelong smoking habit.
And now my Mother calls to tell me he has made a decision to see a doctor up here as well, which seems to me is just one small step into him fully getting away from the VA which is his ONLY choice at this point. And if you have ever dealt with a VA you could hardly blame him. The cliché, ‘Any port in a storm’ comes to mind though.
At any rate, I am so pissed AND the first thing I went to reach for is a cigarette. The cigarette will not heal me or my father. It wont stop the racing endless thoughts, obsessions and fears in my head, it wont make people love or respect me and it wont even calm me down. No it does the opposite of all of that.
Yet here I sit … smoking a cigarette. Is it the nicotine, the secret hidden chemicals that heighten the addiction, a lifetime of advertising and peer pressure, simple habit or the slow desire to end a life; that seems at this moment more full of pain, fear, stress and confusion then I can handle?
This time of year isn’t normally a time a change, it’s a time of slumber and fortifying yourself into a cocoon until the hope of spring arrives. Don’t believe – count the number of New Year’s resolutions you’ve ever kept. However I think it’s time for a change. I think the time has come for two things … 1) to end this rambling post and 2) to come to terms with what it’s going to take to stop me smoking.