Saturday, February 25, 2006

Rants and Very Small Rocks

February 11 5:03 PM

I wanted this Rant thing to happen once a week, but alas work and life is consuming much of my time and the rest is devoted to WoW - who needs sleep anyhow?

So here I go, off and ranting:

1) Cappuccinos

How is it that when ordering a cappuccino it NEVER tastes like the first one you ever had? That first one was amazing for everyone and no other since has ever tasted as good.

2) Headbutts

If you've never been headbutted then count yourself lucky. For those who have, you know what a simply awful experience it can be. The brain doesnt seem to respond well to blunt trauma and it's just more insulting when it's done by another braincase wailing into your own.

3) Tic-Tac's

Either you are candy or your not. I dont buy this whole breath mint shit - it's just adult candy. If you want breath that doesnt smell like a dogs ass you can:

  1. Stop licking your dog's ass
  2. Brush your teeth
  3. Make friends with people who have lost their sense of smell

4) Compassionate Conservatives

You show me a compassionate conservative and I will show you an asshole republican who relies on patriotism to get elected only to cut veteran's benefits when they take office. Compassionate Conservatism is like saying cold lava.

5) People who spell SHOP - SHOPPE

We live in America, we have all agreed to spell things a certain way and I dont EVER remember anyone deciding on how to spell it "shoppe". The word "shoppe" comes from Old English's "sceoppa", which means treasure house. So if you insist on calling your store The Something Shoppe, I will be forced to dig a hole in the middle of it and look for the treasure.

6) Homeland Security

This is just a bullshit government agency designed to keep you terrified so you obey who's in charge and dont question things. To prove how worthless the Homeland Security Department is, I direct you to the following quote from their website:

"Many of these agents can only hurt you if they get into your body, so think about creating a barrier between yourself and any contamination."

How do the other biological attacks hurt you then if they arent the kind that hurt you by getting into your body? What, do they make prank phone calls that keep you up at night? Do they steal your cat Mr. Fluffy and hold him hostage? Do they try to rent porno's in your name and then not return them on time? Scared yet?

7) Vats of Acid

I am tired of seeing giant vats of acid being used in movies or tv shows. Someone always falls into it because it's totally uncovered. I just think life would be a bit more interesting if in your daily routine you at least had to navigate your way around some huge vats of uncovered acid.

8) Circumcision at Birth

I am circumcised and enjoy it immensely. I think a "cut" tool looks a lot better than one with foreskin, but still I wish that getting rid of it was my decision. I'm 99% sure I would have still made the decision but it would have been nice to play around with it while it still had its hood.

9) People who dont use Spell Check

Hit F7 for god's sake and show the person who will be reading the crap that you wrote that you care enough to at least make sure some of the stuff is spelled right.

10) Bathtubs

I cant believe that like 98% probably still have a normal rectangular bathtub whose design was apparently originally conceived by Vlad the Impailer. I am not a super tall person (6' 1" for those keeping score), and I have NEVER been able to be totally comfortable and relaxed in any bathtub I've been in. And anyone that tells you to spice up your love life by taking a bath with your lover can shave my taint! I can barely get my lower body submerged enough to consider it a "soak" let alone have to deal with the complexities of contorting two sets of legs into this unforgiving present day iron maiden. When I have my own house, the first thing to go is the bathtub and I am going to get a huge one that I can swim in.

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