Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Rantman Cometh

Originally posted on: December 17 10:18 AM

Here it is, another list of 10 things that I think deserve a rant.

1) The concept of a dictionary

In the age of information we still haven't come up with a good way to input a definition and get THE word. Come on people, we need to get cracking on a new way to do this, it's only been like 12,000 years since we came up with a language!

2) The Progress Bar

How man times do I have to watch this goddamn graphical representation of the percentage of completion of any given task bog down at 99% and that last percent take 5 times longer to complete than the first 99% combined? If you cant make a consistently accurate progress bar then get rid of the damn thing. I don't need to know what my progress is up to 99% only to be left wondering how many Russian novels I can read till that last 1% is completed.

3) Speed Limits on Highways

Now I know I ranted about slow drivers before, but this is slightly different. Speed limits on highways are just for the illusion of safety and a way to gather funds for the government via fines. Follow me down the road and wreck your car into a semi at 65mph and I will do it at 85mph and I lay even money that we both die! Now there can be a big difference between minor margins of speed at lower levels, but at a certain point you go so fast that it doesn't matter how much faster you go - you will still die as a big stain on the asphalt.

4) Store Greeters

No offense, everyone needs a job, but a store greeter? If I go into one more store and see some perfectly capable dickweed say "Hi" to me as I go in, only to be left standing for 30 minutes while the 3 epileptic Siamese twin midget paraplegics work the cash register I am going to fucking kill someone with a muffin pan! It's great that you want me to think you care enough about me to greet me at the door but I am not "visiting" your store as a respite from the trials and hardships of life. I am there to buy something and leave. If stores continually keep up this whole "greeter" concept, I am going to be forced to also want a warm place to sleep, free food and someone to rub my nuts with something made of fleece at every visit too.

5) Anyone ever featured on MTV Cribs

Am I the only person who is driven totally mad when I see somebody with a fifth grade education showing off his/her collection of golden-coated-jewel-encrusted pig anuses from around the world? When I see a musician on this show and see how rich they live it up and then the next show I see them whining about how downloading their songs for free on the internet is stealing from them, I feel about as sorry for them as I do a millionaire who wins the lottery. Hey Puff Daddy, P-Diddy or whatever you are calling yourself this week, "You drive a solid gold car that runs on the blood of newborn sea otters! I don't care if you don't like it; I am going to steal your fucking music, if to only make you suffer in some small form or fashion."

6) All Blue Christmas Lights

Tis the season to do a lot of things but NOT, I repeat - NOT decorate your house with ALL blue Christmas tree lights. This is not festive, it doesn't look like snow and it's not Christmasie (sp?) in the least. Your house looks like you are trying to communicate with aliens who listen only to music by Eiffel 65. Ditch the blue bulbs, all white or the multi-colored ones cost the same and you wont look like you bought your roof from a discount gimmick at K-Mart.

7) 2 sided DVD's

Go out and buy a season of your favorite TV show on DVD and more than likely it will be 3 two-sided DVD's. So now you get the pleasure of getting up off your fat ass and flipping the damn disk over. Come on, I thought the concept of flipping over to the other side died with cassette tape and LP. DVD's are ULTRA cheap to make and since everything comes out in 106 different versions go the extra mile and put all your shit on one side of the damn disk.

8) "Fresh" Fast Food

Unless the McDonalds has a garden out back none of their shit is fresh. You show me a fresh tomato in a McDonalds and I will shit a hundred dollar bill with your name written on it. Don't tell me your shit is fresh, don't waste my time in trying to convince me of something everyone knows is a lie anyway. Save the nickel you spent on marketing that idea and use it to pay your help better so I don't get treated like an inconvenience rather than a customer.

9) The Common Cold

I don't know that I really have to go into much detail here, but fuck me, modern medicine needs to come up with a better defense to this thing other than Vitamin C. That's a copout and they know it. Healthcare workers never fail to jump all over me about smoking, yet they don't seem to mind the fact that 9000 cold viruses are just running amuck at any given time. Set some priorities people - get rid of the stuff that no one has a choice about getting before you start hounding me about my choice to smoke.

10) Hitler comparisons

I am so sick of people saying "well Hitler thought that way too" as a way to get out of even the most banal of arguments. Look if I am talking up how good I think the idea of the mass slaughter of people is because of how they worship or who they screw, then by all means cite Hitler to shut me up. But if I am trying to argue the fact that seatbelts save lives and you tell me Hitler wore them and ask if I want to live my life like Hitler, I am going to say - "Well Hitler wore pants too, so I better get rid of mine." Then I am going to proceed to pull my pants down and I don't care if your little children are looking. I will stand there proudly and waggle my sizable cock at you and your progeny whilst I shout out how proud I am not to be living my life like Hitler.

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